Blogging experience

Let me tell you what I like the most from my small blog. That it is so cool and I love it!
One of the reasons I started my blog was to see if I can make any money from the ads. Yes, I'm afraid this is true. This is how desperate I am about unemployment. Anyway, I read the ads policy and some of you may already know that you have to gather at least 70 Euros. Then Google sends you the money at the end of the next month and you feel rich. I would have felt rich anyway.
But I forgot a couple of little things such as that I have to make my blog famous (like Facebook famous) in order to have hundreds of followers and maybe then I would have a slight chance of making some money. To make a blog famous..... ahem.... not a clue how to do that and if I had a clue, it would take me months or even years to do so, right? Potential success needs hard work. Indeed. Also, I have so many thoughts in my mind trying to get out of there in the form of reasonable speech (and with a certain speed) or understandable writing that.... oh fuck it, it's a mess in there.
Therefore, after my earnings reached 6 or 7 or 10 Euros (in about a month), I don't really remember, I decided that I probably won't make a fortune out of it, for all the above and apparent reasons. Also, Google disabled my Ad Sense account because of "invalid clicks" which of course means that Google thinks I was stupid enough to click my own ads.
After that I got really bored with the whole ad thing, removed them, made my blog a pretty awesome little thing, I have 6 or 7 followers instead of Euros but it's ok (haha), I'm writing whatever comes to mind, joyful or miserable, getting feedback some times and you know what? I just love it this way. It's like having my own, cheaper, therapist. I'm not sure I could handle all the publicity after all =D
(I will remember all of you when I become famous =P)

Some, almost real, winter time

Oh for the love of god what is it with the cold? Temperature is close to 0 degrees Celsius (freezing point for the laws of physics) and will go below that point this week!

 Ok it's Greece, not Ecuador nor Sweden. However, we get up to 40 - 45 degrees C (105 - 115 F) in summer time and down to -15 or maybe -20 C (5 - -4 F) in winter time, but of course not in the entire country. I live in a big, beautiful, Greek island (I had to say how beautiful this island is) which, during winter, is drowned in humidity and beaten up by the winds. Therefore, the feeling of cold we get here, is like someone is sticking needles into your body which go so deep that when you move, it feels like they're poking your internal organs. Pretty nice description I gave there. Anyhow, at this time of the year and to be exact during the last few days, winter is beginning to show its teeth. That is because February is the coldest and toughest month of the year. Not to mention that the forever-alone-day (Valentine's day) happens to be a day of this particular month. Can't say that it feels like a coincidence. More to come about this not-so-much-forsaken-day when the time is right.
So yes, we're getting ready for the final cold days (doesn't matter if they'll last like 30 days or so) and after that.... oh the joy, oh the happiness, oh the bliss, oh the spring!

An opportunity

Remember when I told you I applied for a job opening in Brussels or Luxembourg for the European committee??? Probably not but anyway, it seems that I, my friends, am going to Athens in early March for a skills test for this position! It's not a big deal, it's the position in the secretarial field but hey, if I pass, I'll be working in Brussels or Luxembourg! Oh man I feel like a Bond girl. Apart from the fact that I might be having a paying job after 2 years of unemployment, I get to feel useful and productive again and not a burden to my family for some time  anyway. I'm so excited. And I will be so fucking disappointed when I will  not pass the stupid tests. Yes, that's me. My glass is half empty. But I'm still super excited!!

Fear factors

Sleep issues are on, family issues are on forever and ever til I die, the fitness is nowhere to be found, neither is a job. So....
Let me tell you what is the one thing that I'm really afraid of. Don't get me wrong, I get scared easily about a lot of stuff. If my family didn't know me, I bet they would think I'm 5 years old.
So the one thing that creeps me out.... The darkness. When I was a child, I was telling mum every night to leave a small light on so I can see (god knows what) before I fall asleep. I was such a sweet child. Nothing happened to me during a night or whatever and nobody has frightened me about it. I don't know why this is. And in winter time, things get tough. It's ok for me to walk on a summer night (after midnight) through the streets of my city, but it's difficult for me to walk especially alone in winter time. I guess it's the bad weather that makes it hard. You know, walking at 3 - 4 a.m, freezing cold, the wind blowing and making that hissing creepy sound... I'm a child of summer from birth, what can I do? Or maybe I've seen too many movies, who knows.

Other things that scare the hell out of me: heights(1), being closed up in very small places(2), cockroaches(3), velocity(4), snakes...

(1) When I'm on a building looking down, my head starts spinning and my first thought coming to mind: "fuck, if I somehow fall I'm so gonna fucking die"; strange as it may sound this does not apply in an airplane, probably because I like flying and I believe that if we fall, I'm gonna fly my way out of the disaster... I don't know how, as I'm pretty sure I'm not Peter Pan and I don't have Tinkerbell as my best buddy.

(2) Once when I was 10 or so I was stuck in an elevator, the light didn't go out but I kept screaming "help" banging the door with my hand; a little panic attack I may say; and I also cannot sleep if my head is under the blanket; need to breathe god damn it! You realize that death caused from suffocation is far from my favorite kind.

(3) These f**kers are still breathing after you chop their freaking heads off and banging them with a broom for 10 minutes.

(4) Well this is a love-hate situation. There are times where you're in your car, speeding, feeling so free, so fucking nice..... and then you realize that it takes just a small poke from the universe to fuck it all up and also remembering how two of your dearest friends were killed in a brutal car accident.

C'est la vie!

Months ago I found a website which seems to be one of "Europe's website". It's the European personnel selection office and as I understood job offers are posted there, concerning Europeans wanting to work on Brussels and Luxembourg mostly. SO..... of course I got super enthusiastic about it, I imagined myself in one of Europe's finest cities, going to my office by bus, reading my newspaper in my adorable, small but sunny apartment while drinking my morning coffee before I go to work, little birds outside my window tweeting, meeting my new neighbors and friends and guys and...... I don't know, maybe I'm part of a musical and I don't even know it.
So, after waking up I read through the website, saw that they're looking for different types of employees (temporary, permanent, trainees etc) and decided to give it a shot! I mean, why not? There's not much I'm doing now anyway... more like there's nothing I'm doing now, our country's situation is pretty fucked up for a couple of years and it keeps going that way until I don't know when and eventually I owe it to myself to give me a chance. How am I supposed to begin? No one is going to pull me from my couch, that's for sure.
I'm educated, have a bachelor's degree from the UK, have worked in my life for some time and I'm free of obligations! Ha-ha-ha. So yeah.... I applied for two positions already and I'm just imagining, you know...? So if they say NO, I would be more disappointed. Yup, that's me. Living the dream.

Hooray!

For my first comment! Not alone out there evidently! Girl, I would buy you a drink or two or more if we weren't separated by thousands of miles! I understand that this may be "blog policy", I comment on your blog often, you do the same and so our life goes on and we are happy because people notice us... But thanks anyway :)
I know though that I started this blog to be more of a personal thing. I was asking for a way to express my thoughts, which I find hard to do so occasionally and did not care if anyone would ever "visit" me. I wanted this for me only and I still do. But.... as I believe, no one wants to feel alone in this life and everyone has the need to be understood or heard from even just a person far away. We have that need to satisfy one of our deepest concerns. Does anyone understand me? Is there someone thinking the same way I do? And if there is, you can feel a little reassured that you're not alone... And if anyone listens, you can say that someone is paying attention and "cares"... Well, I have that need too. That's why I'm so happy about my first comment in over a month that I started this blog! Sounds a bit silly, I know.

I have two friends

...to whom I can depend on any time of the day, for everything. Every time I call, they will listen. Every time they call, I will listen too. They're funny, we are a very good match with each other (me with each one separately) and every time we meet, we're having a pretty good time. If I  have no money and they do, they'll be happy to lend me and so will I. They miss me, I miss them everyday. But something happened.
It's like I have doubts for everything I believed about them til now. I'm enthusiastic as a person and when I meet someone or something new I get excited. Neither of them are new to my life but I'm wondering if I was blind and deaf and numb all those years because of my great love for them. Or is it that we're just getting older and more mature and finally, fortunately or not, we get to see things how they really are and not through a pair of innocent younger eyes? I'm not sure what is happening. It seems that life is doing its part and I feel like I get to only watch.

Not following

What does one have to do to get heard in here? "In here" being the Internet...

The most known Michael

Goosebumps all over.....
One thing I have regretted for sure is not seeing the one and only live on stage....
It wasn't on my hand to do so as I was young but that doesn't make me feel any better. On 1996-1997 was his last worldwide tour, I was 14 years old.

Friday the 13th

It means nothing. Please people, I didn't even realize it yesterday until this morning. And I had a good day yesterday. Good sex, a drink, late dinner, good night's sleep.
It's a pity that some children are frightened with this and grow old having in their subconscious that this shit is real. Well, Good Morning!

Dreams and thoughts

Today, I managed to wake up at 11 a.m and getting 7 hours of sleep. What I did not manage, is having a good sleep. I keep seeing these weird, weird dreams, which is happening all of my life actually but as I grow older they become weirder and the worst is that I remember most of them. Some of them are really good, such as the one in which I was flying among really tall buildings in a big city (probably New York), I was doing loops in the air, and I was so so SO happy and excited and felt literally free cause this is one of my craziest dreams. Be able to fly. I even woke up that day excited! I know dreams are supposed to express your most personal thoughts and your subconscious. But the majority of the dreams I'm seeing are, as I already said, very weird. They usually involve people of my close environment or who are active in my life right now and family. I have seen many times strangers though, but I do not see a face.
From what I understand, I must be having some serious inhibitions consciously and unconsciously and I guess something must be done, right? My mind is working overtime, I am always thinking something, I jump from one thought to another because my thoughts are so messed up and cannot get them straight and therefore, even if I did talk to somebody, they wouldn't understand me. I mean literally, not like I'm so complex as a person and blah blah blah that nobody would  understand me. On the contrary, I'm very simple and logical. I haven't talked to anyone recently sharing my deepest thoughts. I'm sorry but most of them are idiots indeed and some of them just don't care. People have their own things to fix. So I think that everything I do not express by words, gets stuck in my head and becomes a dream. My every frustration, problem, joy, moment of laugh. How do I get through this?

A part of how life should be

Last night was a good night. A friend, a small, cozy, friendly bar, nice music but not loud, white wine and more than 3 hours of not small talk. This is what I want for me. To be able to talk with someone this way. Maybe sometime in the future it will be with a guy... HA-HA-HA.

Fail

F*ck. Yesterday I went to bed relatively early, 1 a.m. I set the alarm at 9 a.m. I woke up at 11.30 a.m. 20 minutes ago. Who am I kidding? It seems that 8 hours of sleep are but are not enough for my system. 8 hours are enough if I go to sleep at 4 o'clock in the morning but not enough if I go to sleep at midnight!
And let me tell you this, the fitness hasn't  come in yet. I might as well do nothing and wait for spring and summer.  It is the next thing that will cheer me up. F*ck.

Sleep issues

Well I always had one, or more. I really do love sleeping and I think it is one of life's pleasures. But it seems that it can also be one of my biggest and most tiring problems. As I love sleeping, I also like very much waking up early in the  morning and not missing one minute from a hopefully nice day. But I guess that's an advantage of having a job. Anyway, now that I'm out of work for a really long time, I have no reason for sleeping early at night, because I'm not tired, nor waking up early in the morning. And guess what is happening.... I end up sleeping at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning because I can't get any sleep and wake up at noon. I set my alarm clock every-f*ckin-day and I turn it off when it goes off every-f*cking-time without remembering doing so when I finally wake up. I don't even hear it, it's like I hibernate for those hours and my mind commands every other organ not to come alive before noon or 11 at best. I can't stand this, I don't know what to do and it's getting very tiring. Maybe I should buy 5 alarm clocks? Or find a job as soon as possible so my mind and body can finally roll out? Or go to bed from 9 p.m maybe and see what happens? I'll probably die sleeping if I do this last one. Or, hey, maybe I should do all the above!

Family issues

You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And that is why, if you take out same-blood-connection and years of living together, you're probably gonna end up loving your friends more than your family. That's right, because you get to choose your friends. You get to choose the persons who are more compatible to your character and stick with them and that alone, gives you much power. You are able to control how your life is going to turn into in terms of personal relationships and you can maybe find happiness through a lot of experiences.
So why can't I choose my family? Don't get me wrong I love and worship my parents and my brother most of all, but there are sometimes when I feel I just don't fit, you know? They raised me very good, I had everything I needed as a child and many times even more than that. So did my brother and for him things were a little better because we have a 12 year gap between us and he was The Baby and suddenly I was the big sister before I became a teenager. Anyway I won't go into much detail about my family (maybe some day), but the point is this:

Do I feel I don't fit because we are not alike? (even though I am the female version of my father in character and I do have some elements from my mother too)
Do I feel I don't fit because we are not alike but the truth is we really are because they brought me to life and we have this stupid blood connection and what I see is just the future version of me which I don't like at all? (shit)
Am I that immature that I do not recognize the different problems that made them what they are today? (don't think so)
Should I care that much or should I just see what I need to do to settle my life first? (which is really really left behind)
Do parents in Greece have to literally kick out their children of their homes at the age of 18? (YES please) At least in every other "developed" country they do so and children over there turn out just fine.
Well I made up my mind for now; I love them more than anyone, I'm very happy I have them as parents, they are really very decent and good human beings, I would give my life for them but I have to first fix my life, settle with a job, a house, a man even. Live. I guess that is my real problem.
It's not them, it's that I don't have a life yet.

Right...

So many things were left unsaid, it's hard to let you go...
I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie...
Holding on to what I haven't got...

No I'm not

I didn't go out many times during Xmas but I had a long time to do so and I drunk a lot even when I was at home for the usual reasons. But when you do it everyday, you don't have the time to process what the f*ck you are doing and take it slowly cause you haven't been in a bar for 2 months now and you are not really the drinking type. So there is a possibility that I might feel like an alcoholic but this picture is my savior. It seems that I'm just a drunk after all , hooray!
Seriously, I 'm giving myself just a few more days and then the fitness comes in.

Part 2

Isn't it funny that the title of my last post, of the last year, was "To be continued" ? And I hadn't even planned that.
Anyway Happy New Year to all of us. I made no resolutions, but I caught myself wishing to friends and family that they could have money first and the rest, like health and love and peace, would follow. Usually, I used to wish for health above everything but you see 2 years of unemployment and misery can do bad things to you. Nothing really special happened these special days but I expected nothing more. Life goes on, none problem is solved, can't find a job, still living with my parents, not able to have a normal relationship and the list goes on. Give me strength.